Trust in Him

As I was visiting a local church with my family to listen to a guest speaker who had tragically lost her daughter within the past year and was courageously speaking about how God had brought her through the unimaginable, the song by Lauren Daigle, “I Will Trust in You,” began to play. I had heard this song many times before on the radio, but as the words appeared on the screen, the song came alive more to me than it ever had before…

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what you see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face you’re by my side

When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

Truth is you know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead you have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what you want Lord and nothing less

When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you
I will trust in you

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go
You’ve not already stood

When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

Songwriters: Lauren Daigle / Michael Farren / Paul Mabury

Trust In You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group

God’s arms wrapped around me in that moment, my eyes filled to the brim, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace, and I heard His Spirit whisper,

“My child, I have you. I will take care of you. In the face of heavy burdens, suffering, pain, loss, tragedy…I will carry you. I will comfort you. I will be your steady hand and your firm foundation. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have carried a heavy burden throughout my life-a family tragedy that has followed us from the time we were children. Many times it has stolen the joy of many in my family-my grandfather, my uncle, my mother, my sisters, and myself. When I was a small child, I remember my mother explaining to me that her father passed away from a neurodegenerative disorder called Huntington’s Disease and now, her brother was showing symptoms of the same disease. She explained that she had a 50% chance of carrying the faulty gene, and if she carried the gene, my sisters and I had a chance of also carrying the gene.

The definition of this disease according to the HDSA website is “a fatal genetic disorder that causes the progressive breakdown of nerve cells in the brain. It deteriorates a person’s physical and mental abilities during their prime working years and has no cure.”

Has no cure…deterioration…fatal…how hopeless.

My definition-a disease that not only takes these physical and mental abilities from a person, but a disease that can lead to a lifetime of worry of the unknown, fear of the known, pain from watching those closest to you experience it, and an overwhelming number of pleads to God to heal His children.

As my mother was explaining this robbery to me, the weight of the dominoes toppling over was crushing my soul and what my plans were for the future. Fear of this dark shadow I saw following my mother immediately consumed me. I began to worry about tomorrow, about my future, about my mother’s future. I began to worry about the suffering I may face or whether there was a man out there who would love me despite the fact that there was a gloomy cloud hanging over my future. And what about kids? As a young lady I had always wanted a large family, but could I make this decision that may bring this upon someone else?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 Jeremiah 29:11

 As a teenager, I began to cling to this verse-to this promise from God that He has great plans for me. I memorized it. I highlighted it in my Bible. I wrote it on my mirror. I quoted it to myself whenever I had thoughts about the future. I still struggled understanding how this heart-wrenching, life altering disease could be good and not harmful, but I wanted to trust Him. I wanted to believe that He has great things. I wanted to believe He would heal my family. I begged Him to heal my family.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 Jeremiah 29:11

Fast forward some years…I met a wonderful man who signed up to do life with me no matter what. We were also blessed with the most beautiful surprise who is now five. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office just after we saw our little one on the first ultrasound and quickly became overwhelmed with fear and guilt. The storm was brewing again-I could not seem to escape it. After asking about our family medical history, she stopped abruptly to address the fact that Huntington’s ran in my family and asked if we wanted to do genetic testing so that if it was positive we could terminate the pregnancy if that is what we chose. I was overwhelmed by the severity of this disease and that I could be “responsible” for dragging another soul into this mess. Ultimately, that was not a choice for us. I believe 100% that our sweet Caroline was a divine gift from God, and I thank Him for her daily. As I was leaving the doctor’s office I quietly quoted under my breath

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 Jeremiah 29:11

As years passed, my mother, sisters, and I watched my uncle’s physical, mental, and emotional abilities decline. The once strong man who worked out all the time and was an avid outdoorsman became a frail body lying in the bed struggling to make it down the nursing home hallway at the age of 50. He could no longer walk, no longer talk, no longer eat. Right before his passing, I remember fear completely taking over me so much so that I could not bear to witness this suffering any longer. I quickly drove home feeling the deep sadness of walking alongside someone through suffering, feeling the fear of seeing my potential future right in front of me, and feeling the guilt of what burdens I may have caused my husband and children. THESE ARE NOT FEELINGS of Him, but in that moment I could not understand how a God who is good and kind and loving could allow suffering like I witnessed. Why Lord? Why?

Shortly after my uncle passed away, my mother received the more than difficult news of her own diagnosis of the same disease. When will we be spared, Lord?

The news of my mother’s diagnosis caused me to not only be concerned for her well being and future, but for my husband and children. I told God, “I can handle whatever it is I must walk through, but PLEASE do not let me be a burden to my husband. Please heal my children and spare them.” I had so many moments when I cried out to Him to relieve us of this burden, this tragedy. I had so many moments where guilt crept in and I felt the need to relieve my husband of his commitment of “for better or worse.” Thank you, Jesus for a husband who loves me fully and has committed to walk with me on this journey. I knew I must trust in Him, but it seemed as if one part of me sat questioning how all of this could be for good and the other part longed to stop thinking with my head and have faith that could move mountains.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 Jeremiah 29:11

It wasn’t until I was sitting in that pew, listening to this beautiful song that I finally let go. I finally said, “Lord, Thy Will Be Done and I Will Trust in You, and I Will Follow You. No. Matter. What. Mountain. I. Must. Climb.”

I still do not completely understand suffering, illness, pain, and loss, but that is not my worry, that is not my job, that is not for me.

I do know that I have two choices:

I can live my life each day in fear of what is to come even if that may never happen. I can let that fear control my life, control my decisions, paralyze me from living an abundant, meaningful life.

Or

I can trust in Him. I can come to Him daily, hourly, minute by minute and say I may not understand. This may not be my plan, but I will trust You with all of my heart. I will love You with all of my heart. I will follow You with all of my heart. I will live in this very moment You have given me, and I will live in it with joy and abundance and gratitude. I will not worry about tomorrow for You have me. You have me in your arms and will walk with me. You have been before me.

I am not sure if you are facing heavy burdens, broken relationships, illness, pain, or loss. You may be in a season of your life where troubles are far away. Whether you are in the foggy valley amid what appears to be chaos and difficulty or on the mountain peak breathing in God’s beauty around us, He simply just wants you. He wants you to trust Him. He wants you to seek Him-no matter what part of the journey you are on. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will it be painful? Maybe. But He will provide strength. He will provide comfort. He will provide an unexplainable peace through the most tumultuous of storms. You must choose. I must choose. Do I live the days I have left in fear and not actually live at all or do I pour everything out to Him, seek Him, call on Him, and trust?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

 Jeremiah 29:11-13

God, my creator, my firm foundation, my hope, my future. I long to release the fear that has robbed so many in my family including myself. I want to trust You and seek you in everything that I do. Even if You do not move the mountain I need you to move or part the water that I want to walk so easily through, I choose to trust You. I choose it now. I choose it tomorrow. And in the moments when fear creeps in to steal the peace You want for me, may I be reminded that You have me. I am Yours. May I run to Your arms seeking You in the deep, dark valleys and seeking You on the high, awe-inspiring peaks. May my life glorify You in the good moments of life when it is easy to sing Your praises and may it glorify You in the moments of life where the only words I may be able to utter is “I will trust in You.”

I encourage you to meet with Him. Call on Him. Listen to this beautiful song. Meditate on these beautiful words.

https://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs

Seek Him. Trust Him.

Shared with love,

Lindsay

Thank you Stephanie Payne for trusting in Him even through the darkest time of your life. I can hear Him whispering to you and sweet Savannah, “Well done, good and faithful servants.”